That (Awful) Metal Show and how to fix it.

Somehow, VH1 Classic’s That Metal Show has been running for twelve(!) seasons. If you haven’t seen this show, let me give you a brief rundown: two horrifically unfunny comedians (Don Jamieson and Jim Florentine) wearing band t-shirts a stylist picked out for them attempt to talk metal and hard rock with a portly radio personality (Eddie Trunk) who prides himself in knowing everything there is to know about said genres, but instantly transforms into a butt-hurt five-year-old when it turns out he doesn’t know something, or when one of the comedians makes fun of him, or when one of the guests makes fun of him… basically he spends around 80% of the show being butt-hurt. Guests, which are occasionally people you’d actually want to see interviewed (e.g. Lemmy, Paul Di’Anno, Ace Frehley, Rob Halford, etc), but typically consist of a who’s who of hair metal has-beens, come on and have their asses kissed like they’ve never been kissed before, which is probably wonderful for their egos but pretty annoying to just about everyone else.

When I first discovered that VH1 had a metal show, I was excited; I grew up with MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball and was hoping for something similar. I should have realized that VH1’s definition of metal is basically hair metal and classic rock, with only occasional nods to thrash and NWOBHM. No other genres of metal exist in the VH1 universe (remember that this is the network that refused to allow an extreme metal episode of Banger Films’ Metal Evolution mini series). Sure, the Ball wasn’t exactly the be-all, end-all for metal, but at least they had the uh, balls, to play videos from Death, Morbid Angel, Entombed, Cathedral, Sepultura and the like. Do Trunk and his two pet jabronis even know who Trey Azagthoth and Lee Dorian are? I’m not saying the whole show should be death/black/doom metal or anything, but for the love of all that’s unholy at least acknowledge its existence! There are plenty of folks out there that think Covenant and Left Hand Path are just as classic as UFO’s discography, you silly bastards.

Most of you reading THKD probably either don’t watch That Metal Show, have never heard of it, or have heard of it but could give two fucks about it. If you haven’t seen it, one viewing is all it takes to make you want to vomit. To paraphrase my wife, watching Trunk is like having someone slap a cupcake out of your hand. If you know about it but don’t care about it, you should; this travelling shit show is representing our beloved genre in front of a large cable audience, making us all look like a bunch of schmucks in the process. I know some of you are grumbling at that last statement: “Who cares what the mainstream thinks of us? Fuck ’em!” and to an extent I agree, but I also know I don’t like being perceived as a schmuck by anyone, and if people are to see and believe what TMS presents to the world, then it will continue to see metal as either hair metal or Ozzfest crapola, and metalheads as a bunch of ignorant jackasses. These guys are single-handedly setting metal back thirty years and celebrating all of its worst aspects; I think many can agree that the genre and we as fans have come too far to put up with that shit.

So how do we hypothetically fix That Metal Show? The first thing that needs to be done is sack the three stooges. Why in the blue hell do they need three hosts in the first place? If Riki Rachtman could do it by himself w/ a moderate degree of success back in the day, then surely we could find someone competent enough to carry this show solo. Plus, if you’re only paying one salary instead of three, you can divert some of that surplus cash to upping the production values; you know, little things like making the set not look likes it’s made of cardboard. My personal pick for host would be professional wrestler/Fozzy frontman Chris Jericho. Say what you will about Fozzy, but anyone that has been following Y2J’s career as a wrestler knows that he’s entertaining (not to mention genuinely funny), charismatic and most importantly fun to watch whether he’s grinding it out in the ring or cutting a promo, and comes off as intelligent and articulate during serious interviews. Additionally, the guy is actually in a band that’s currently signed to Century Media and was at one time signed to Mega Force, so chances are he knows at least a little something about modern metal and less mainstream acts.

Now that we have our host in place, it’s time to totally revamp the format. First, ditch all the useless recurring segments such as “The Throwdown” “Stump the Trunk” “The Rant” and “TMS Top 5.” Less time spent on this silly shit means more time with the guests, which in turn means more in-depth interviews. Interviews are the bread and butter of any good talk show, which is essentially what TMS is, so make it worth the viewers’ time by giving the guests the attention they deserve. As for the guests themselves, you’ve got to keep the veterans such as Lemmy and Alice Cooper on the roster in order to draw in mainstream viewers, but let’s also throw some lesser known characters in the mix to spice things up and introduce those viewers to some new music. Guys like Mikael Akerfeldt, Devin Townsend and Fenriz (provided he could be talked into appearing however unlikely) could hold their own and make for entertaining interviews along with the usual suspects. Imagine seeing unsung legends of the underground like Bobby Liebling, Scott Weinrich or Victor Griffin sitting down for a TV interview, how cool would that be?

Ok, this next one should be a no-brainer, and why they’ve never (to my knowledge) done this absolutely blows my mind: get some bands to play live on the show every week. How anyone thought it was a good idea to have a show about music with no fucking music is so far beyond me that it practically makes my head explode thinking about it. As far as I know, the closest TMS has come to live music is to have a “guest shredder” each week, which translates to a lone guitarist wanking away before each commercial break. This is about as thrilling as watching a Jenna Jameson movie that’s been edited for content by the Mormons, and is a sad substitute for a full band performance. Hell, you could have the guests do double duty, getting interviewed and then playing a song or two. Think of the great exposure opportunity this could be for young bands. I have no idea what TMS‘ ratings are like, but surely getting an up-and-coming band like Beastwars for instance to play live on VH1 would get them out in front of some people that have never heard of them but might actually like them if they did. As with the interviews, you’d want to have a mix of young and bigger/veteran acts in order to lure in more viewers.

So there you have it folks. That Metal Show has been airing since 2008, so VH1 obviously thinks they have a good thing going and will probably never change it unless Trunk, Jamieson and Florentine are sucked through a portal into a dimension where they’re forced to wear dresses and listen to Yanni: Live at the Acropolis for all eternity, but those of us who know better can always dream, can’t we?