WARNING: The following post is NSFW as fuck. If you’re easily offended, it might be better if you sit this one out.
Sometime in the year 1995, the great country of Finland gave anal birth to one of the greatest/shittiest bands ever to walk (stalk?) the Earth. That band was Torsofuck. An absolutely repellent combination of the most offensive, knuckle-dragging aspects of slamming brutal death metal and goregrind, the band blazed a path of musical and lyrical deviance off and on for nearly a decade-and-a-half before finally, mercifully calling it a day for good back in 2009, not counting a posthumous limited live cassette release that was only purchased by pale-skinned basement dwellers that own all four pressings of Gut’s Odour of Torture and can’t wait to tell you all about it.
But what did Torsofuck leave us with after almost fifteen years in the game? Actually, not much. A demo, two splits and a full-length is all they could muster in that length of time, but let’s face it, it can’t be easy concocting music this boneheaded/brilliant. I mean, that shit has to take effort.
Anyway, after releasing the High Level of Cannibalistic Violence demo that no one actually heard and a split with Vomitorial Corpulence that was actually heard by no one, Torsofuck finally made it big in 2002 with the Disgusting Gore and Pathology/Polymorphisms to Severe Sepsis and Trauma (that’s not a goddamn mouthful, nope, not at all), a split with the legendary Brazilian goregrinders Lymphatic Phlegm on Bizarre Leprous Productions. For those that aren’t familiar, Bizarre Leprous is like the Nuclear Blast of goregrind labels, so the world at large would finally get a chance to experience the genius of vocalist/guitarist/bassist Mikko Friberg and guitarist/drum programmer Jarkko Haapala in all it’s fucked up, repugnant glory.
Indeed, Torsofuck made the most of the of opportunity and wasted no time in taking a big steaming dump in listeners’ earholes on Disgusting Gore…, kicking things off with the utterly putrid “Fistfucking Her Decomposed Cadaver,” a song dominated by drums that sound like a pissed-off secretary in the 1950’s pounding the ever-living shit out of a typewriter and some of the most toilety toilet vocals you’re probably ever going to hear. Yes, the guitars are in there playing third fiddle to the drums and vox, mostly playing riffs that I’d refer to as “caveman riffs,” but that would be an insult to cavemen and they aren’t here to defend themselves, so that hardly seems fair. Well, except for Caveman Cult, but I don’t think those guys are even real cavemen! Talk about false advertising…
What were we talking about? Oh yeah, that’s right, the rest of Torsofuck’s side of the split goes on for three more tracks in much the same vein as “Fistfucking Her Decomposed Cadaver,” although “Craving for a Fresh Shit” does feature what might be the most inept lead guitar work in human history during it’s final stretch and “Cannibal” (a very out of character tame song title) does add some vocals that sound like a pig rooting around in its own feces to go along with the aforementioned toilet vocals, because clearly Torsofuck were all about thoughtful, nuanced songwriting.
Of course, the split with Lymphatic Phlegm was merely a rancid taste of what was to come. In 2004 Torsofuck would release their magnum opus, the shit-splattered plat du jour known as Erotic Diarrhea Fantasy. In the two years since Disgusting Pathology… the duo somehow managed to get heavier, uglier, dumber and even more disgusting, shitting out one of the sickest, most sexually depraved metal albums of all time.
“Mutilated for Sexual Purposes” begins with a porn sample that’s almost as long as the song itself before the brain-mangling morass of brutal slamming goregrind comes surging forward, covering everything in its path with buckets of blood, guts, piss and other fluids best left unmentioned. The production isn’t exactly better than that of the Lymphatic Phlegm split, but it is louder and gnarlier, with the guitars more prominent in the mix and bathed in distortion that’s so thick ‘n’ chunky you could stand a fork up in it. The kick drum still sounds pretty typewritery, but it’s pushed back in the mix this time around, making it far less irritating.
While Erotic Diarrhea Fantasy certainly benefitted from the heavier production scheme, Friberg and Haapala’s (d)evolution as both players and songwriters also played a huge part in the album’s success. Torsofuck had reached their final form here, striking a perfect, perverse balance between the lizard-brain tickling violence of brutal slamming death metal and the sewage-gurgling sickness of goregrind. I mean, this shit is right up there with Citizen Kane, Moby Dick and the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in terms of artistic achievement.
Torsofuck also perfected their lyrical prowess on Erotic Diarrhea Fantasy, as evidenced by what is surely one of the greatest songs in the history of recorded music, “Raped By Elephants.” The track begins with a sample from Freddy Got Fingered (the scene where Tom Green’s character jerks off an elephant, naturally) before spewing memorable gems such as;
I sucked like a whore while I was assfucked by elephant trunk
After all it wasnt too bad at all
It took only about ten minutes and cock in my mouth started to cum
Extremely huge load of elephant sperm filled my throat and
Spurted all over my face
I was completely fucked up, but elephants had one more thing to do
All three of them huffed and puffed shits on me
Then they left me alone with my ripped asshole
I’ll never go to Africa again
Erotic Diarrhea Fantasy was Torsofuck’s final studio output and how could it not be? There’s simply no way in hell they could’ve topped such a masterpiece. In the years since its release, the album has attained something of a cult following among those that crave the the lewdest and most degenerate sounds known to man and has been reissued several times on various formats by well known underground labels such as American Line Productions, Morbid Generation Records and Gore House Productions.
At the end of the day, it’s difficult to say how or why Torsofuck were motivated to make such morally corrupt metal magic; I could only find two interviews with the band online and one appears to be in German while the other reads like two malfunctioning Twitter bots attempting to carry on a conversation, so god only knows what was going through their heads when they decided to write songs about elephant rape and anal sex with corpses. But make magic they did, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that the metal scene is pretty much the worst goddamn thing to ever happen to human civilization.
All of these album anniversaries are starting to make me feel old. But with that said, I can think of few better to celebrate than the silver anniversary of what is arguably Danzig’s masterpiece, How The Gods Kill. I can’t remember exactly what year I bought the album, but I do remember picking it up at one of the three record stores that populated the local shopping mall (ah, the good ol’ days), bringing it home and subsequently being blown away. It immediately struck me as one of the deepest, darkest albums I’d ever heard up to that point in my life, and given that I was still an impressionable teenager, I’d like to think it was one of the key albums that helped to propel me down the path of heavy music.
Among the heavy metal subgenres most likely to turn the average underground ‘head into a piping hot cup of 
THKD 
